love?

what does it mean be in love with God, for him to be my father and i his child? how do i love him? there's the standard john 14:15 answer (if you love me you will obey what i command). that seems lacking though. if i only was obedient to my friends and parents, would they think i loved them? there has to be more to it than just making right choices and trying not to earn a disapproving frown from God.

following Christ isn't about knowing the evidence of his birth, life, death and resurrection in my head. someone could fully believe in him without loving him and desiring to be his child. while the evidence and truth of the Bible may compel someone to choose life in Christ, it has to be a matter of the heart. the heart is all that matters. so how do you get the heart to follow the head? what's the formula for love? how do i convince my heart of what i know is true? is it enough to just keep going through the motions, hoping my heart will catch up? live off intellect and ignore emotions?

am i just over-analyzing things? i'm best at ignoring problems, not dealing with them. have i just never wrestled with my faith before? am i dramatizing questions into a crisis of faith? is temptation being interpreted as a lack of desire for God? i want to desire God. i want to want to obey him. i want to want him.

alright, that's it for now. i mostly just needed to journal and get my thoughts out there. i'm sure i'll update this once i get things figured out.